Friday, September 16, 2011
Nostalgia. Melancholy. Regret. These things seem to be overwhelming my life as of late and I can't help but think of why it's so overwhelming. I'll go on Facebook and look at all of these people doing all of these things to gain recognition or to prove something and I'm usually with them but every now and then I step back and ask, "Is it worth it?" I try to think about how far from reality we've all gotten because everyone knows reality is too hard to cope with so we all have our means to escape from it. Our ways of not going crazy from all of the work we all have to do. The bullshit we put up with just to survive. As of late, I tend to escape more than face reality and I realise it's cowardly but at the same time I also don't care. I feel like I'm slowly nearing the edge of a cliff that careens downwards toward the only thing that you get out of so much self-destruction...whatever that may be. I don't know. My friend is really hurting. The girl that hurt him loves me and I can't do anything about that so I try to run away from it but I can't go really go to anyone but here I am typing this at a girls house who's sleeping soundly next to me at the moment. I don't love this girl that's sleeping next to me. She's a great friend but nothing more than that in my mind even though we've done things...scents of a past time flood through my brain...my first cigarette...my first love...time washes away everything and we can't do anything about it but watch it go by and wish that you could have stayed a little longer...just a little longer...sitting at a park with Veronica. People with kids at the other end quickly turn their kids' heads the other way and scurry in the other direction as we make out. We notice this and laugh. The vision morphs out and fades into Christmas with Alex and Chad and her parents. We're all singing Christmas carols before we open presents. There's a certain warm charm about Bill and Ieva that I've always liked and...morphs out again and fades into a gold-brown prius driving down south on highway 101. I look around and Mara is sleeping, using my lap as a pillow. I stroke her hair and just admire her for who she is. I chuckle to myself. She's so intelligent but so insane. It's like that tiny body can't contain it all so every now and then she just temporarily snaps and laughs hysterically over nothing while I just sit there watching, laughing because she's laughing. She looks so...peaceful. So pure and good...morph out again...I'm sitting on the green couch in Alexs living room looking over a poem that she wrote about me when I first broke up with her. I was already feeling like crap considering I just broke up with Mara. The poem doesn't help...I curl up on the couch and wish life had a restart button. I wish none of this had happened...take me back to my apartment on Cochrane road. In my room. All of my posters. My things. The horribly stained carpet from god knows what. The lingering scent of cherry tobacco. The scent of my cologne. Sitting in my spinning chair I'd think of what sort of trouble I could get into today and knowing that there wasn't any huge consequence if I got caught. Not that I ever thought I could get caught. I was much too cocky to think of such a thing. I've gotten myself into a huge mess now and I'm sure their will be consequences for them but after running away from myself for a week and a half now I've decided to stop running and own up to what I've done. Starting today. Even if it ends up costing me the friendship of two of my greatest friends...which it most likely will.